Temper control has direct consequences to our happy marriage and lasting relationship. Temper is like an infectious disease sometimes, can be infecting the people around you in very short time, and could be destructive and fatal if gets out of control. Temper is just like a power keg inside our bodies, which may turn into big explosion by just a fuse of simple or small reasons, and could severely jeopardize our future, marriage or relationships. It can destroy friendships, love, care, and life. It can turn people into adversaries, to hate and to retaliate against each other.
How many times have a couple quarreled each week? The number seems to be increasing from time to time. The temper seems to get worse, the control seems to be less, and the hate seems to be deeper. With quarreling, yelling, fighting or abuse going on and on, the outside injuries can usually be healed in a short time, but the inside injuries are devastating, heart breaking and much harder to heal.
Most human being are very touchy, different people will have different reasons or levels to get touchy. When our brains receive a message or sense something which is not quite right, the brains will send a signal to our chest area, shrinking our blood veins, raising the blood pressure, depressing our emotion, and forcing us to yell out loud to release the pressure. Our self-protecting personality will start firing, our brains will immediately think of something nasty and hurting to fight back, and start a war.
Controlling our temper needs a lot of self-control. Generally speaking, guys with higher education and happy childhood have better self-control, and guys with less education and struggling childhood have less self-control.
Happy childhood means you are raised within a group of happy people, with less conflict, more tolerance, support and encouragement. With the correct role models leading your life and learning, children will soon develop the optimistic, moderate, polite and modest personality. They will also develop higher value, better affection and determination, healthier life style, and better communication and learning skill, to a more stable and brighter future.
Struggling childhood means you are raised within a group of touchy and violent people, with bad temper, less patience, more violence and beating. In an environment surrounded with bad language, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling and prostitution. With home work no one to help, problems no one to solve, and errors no one to admit. With parents teaching you how to hate, to fight and to run away from responsibility, children are living in tear and fear everyday.
They are lack of self-confidence and sense of security, becoming self-abandonment and self-indulgence, with high self-protection and sense of inferiority. They don't trust anyone, they think the world has been unfair to them, believing anger and violence are the only way to solve the problems. They have less determination to fight against bad habits, they will use drugs and alcohol to anaesthetize and poison themselves, to be temporarily free of worries and pain.
Of course, there are always exceptional in both cases, nothing is 100% certain, there are always black sheep in a happy family, and white sheep in a violence family. When parents are bias about certain children, those with less love, care and taking more blames may develop severe rebellion, anger and hate. In a violence family, children having responsible and model teachers, school mates or friends, can still lead them back to the right track of healthy life style.
A lot of people are sluggish in responding to others' demand, like picking up the phone, answering the door, doing the home work, or washing all the dishes, etc. They need to be yelled at a few times, louder and louder, ruder and ruder before they will move their sluggish bodies to respond to the demand. We all may have certain sluggish reasons for not responding, but we can not blame others for yelling at us, since we are the one's not politely or respectively responding at the first call. We are just forcing others to lose their patience and be rude to us.
To raise your level of temper-control requires a lot of practice, hard work and intelligence. We all have different level of self-control, and reaction to sensitive questions, conversation and attitude. Different people have various ways and methods to handle touchy and humiliating actions or words.
Bad temper is forcing others to lie. Actually, nobody likes to lie or hear lies, but if telling you the truth will make you mad or jealous, then you are forcing others to lie to you. We all agree honesty is important after marriage, but if honesty will harm the marriage, leave bad impression and totally change his or her attitude afterward, then anyone will have the truth and secrets hidden. If you want honesty, then you better have enough mentality to accept whatever people say. Otherwise, you are only forcing others to lie, and can't blame others for not being honest.
When tempers are pushed to the highest level, and either side doesn't try to control it, then either or both sides will start losing their control and judgement, and start doing things with violence to beat people or throwing possessions. Then, you cannot blame others for using violence or throwing stuff, because you don't try to stop them, and keep on adding fuel to the fire, you are responsible for pushing their temper to the jeopardizing level. If you think you are mature, then you should try to pour oil on troubled water before the whole thing gets out of control.
A lot of time, we are arguing about something unimportant and unrelated. We always seem to have a chip on our shoulder and have a bone to pick; anything that seems to be not right could incite an argument. A lot of topics are totally worthless to argue, but will harm our relationship if we keep them going too far. Either side wants to win the argument with a lot of harmful comments, one side winning means the other side losing and hurting badly. Therefore, winning is actually losing, you win the argument, but you lose their love and respect. Because once the temper is on, no matter how strong and correct your answers are, the anger will block our mentality, analysis and correct judgement. The devil inside our body will reject any positive answers, and use anything to fight back.