Talking is a form of art, correct talking can turn danger into safety, and nightmare into a sweet dream. If your life is full of misery, having a lot of enemies and quarrelling, part of the reasons may be caused of your attitude and the way you speak.
If you always say, "I am better than you", "I am the best", and "I am invincible", then you will most likely hear, "You think you are the best, I don't think so, you are no better than me". You are bragging so much, you are just forcing others to pick fault on you. You are setting your standard so high; you are just pushing yourself into a blind alley with no exit. Inflating yourself and deflating others will trigger a function in our heart for self-preservation, the self-respect and self-center in our human nature will deny all your claims even if you are totally right.
If you want acknowledgement and adoration from others, you need a different approach from a different angle to reverse the whole situation. You should start saying, "You are also very good". "I am good in this field, and you are good in others". "I am not the best, I still have a lot to learn". "I am not invincible, I still make mistakes sometimes, you guys have a lot I can learn from". Try to be more modest and moderate, open a door in the blind alley to let yourself out, and avoid having egg on your face.
"You are all wrong, and I am always right, you should follow what I tell you to do", should become "You may not be wrong, and I may not be all right. Please correct me if I make a mistake, and I will do the same in return. We should be guiding, helping, rectifying and supporting each other, rather than denying, blaming or picking on each other".
"Do you remember what I have done for you? Do you remember how much I have sacrificed for you?" "You should appreciate me for what I have done for you", should become "I guess in our entire life, we have done our part to help each other. I appreciate what you have done, you have been doing a marvelous job to lift my life and I hope I have done enough in return. We should look forward, and not stuck in the old memory about who is better or who has sacrificed more. We should be introspecting ourselves for what we haven't done enough for each other".
Doesn't this sound comfortable and pleasant? Should you give him or her acknowledgement, adoration, respect, support and credit for modesty and understanding?
This is the way. To be successful in talking or convincing others, we need to avoid triggering the negative side of our heart and the evil side of our human nature. If conceit, despite, derision, pride, prejudice, impatience and poor attitude are ruining your life, affection and friendship, modesty, moderation, sincerity, encouragement and patience can lead you to what you have been missing - Joy, warmth, relaxation, affection, true friendship and beautiful life.
"This is not my fault, I didn't do it, someone else did". You are afraid of punishment or blame, but if the incident or mistake isn't too serious, sometimes admitting is better than denying. You may get surprised rewards sometimes for admitting your fault and introspection. I had successfully reissued a one-year overdue air ticket, for admitting my own careless and clumsiness to the manager, in exchange for his respect, support and surprising reward.
If we want to improve our human relationship, we should start with admitting small mistakes. For example, if the wife shouts to the husband for breaking a glass, and he refuses to apologize due to her poor attitude and shouting. With one side having made the mistake in breaking glass, and the other side having mistake in shouting and poor attitude, either side (usually the mature side) should start apologizing for his or her mistake, and ask the other side to do the same in return. Otherwise, you can threaten for not apologizing next time and let the future quarreling and deadlocks to go on and on forever, and hurting each other's love and relationship further and further.
Some people worry about losing face by making an apology; apology is an act of adulthood, maturity and bravery, and a show of self-cultivation for taking responsibility in admitting mistakes. If you want your family to apologize for every mistake they make, then you should be a model to lead the way. This is especially important in teaching kids to admit their mistakes, one reason why kids are lying and denying all the mistakes is because they are afraid of punishment. A lot of those mistakes are just careless or inevitable mistakes, like spilling water or breaking glasses, even adults will commit those mistakes sometimes. Punishment may not stop them from committing the same mistake again, but surely will force them to lie and deny mistakes further more, and may cultivate into unalterable bad habits of lying and denying mistakes in the future.
Most kids are also feeling unfair about the punishment; the adults will punish them for spilling water or breaking glasses, but will not self-condemn or apologize for committing the same mistakes. Proper punishment can lead the kids to better obedience and self-introspection, improper, biased or unfair punishment will lead the kids to deny mistakes, lie, disobey and hate. Therefore, we need to aware if we are using different standards in conduct between the kids and ourselves. If you want to stop them from lying or denying mistakes, you should sometimes reward them for telling the truth, praise for their honesty, and forgive those careless minor mistakes.
"This is your responsibility to take care of the kids, you have more spare time than me". If one side takes most of the responsibility, then the other side is not holding his or her end up, and puts most of the burden and task on the other side; pressure and quarreling will increase correspondingly. The kids will most likely lean on to the caring side, and the other side will soon lose the love and respect from the kids. If both sides deny their responsibility, then nobody will take proper care of the kids, and then the kids will soon lose direction and run out of control. Their hate and disobedience will increase; family dispute will be on and on forever. A bit of freedom and spare time in exchange for a lot of hate, quarreling, dispute and distress, your loses are a lot bigger than your gains.
Weigh up the gains and loses, and the future happiness of your marriage and your family. Please spend some time with the kids with tolerance and kindness, make them feel you are good father or mother, make your wife or husband feels you are good husband or wife, your work will get paid back one day.
"Big deal, I don't think you are great, I don't think you are better than anyone else". This is the answer most people use to response showing off or bragging, a better way to response should be: "That's very good, maybe you are really better than me. My education has taught me to be modest and not showing off, and I don't mind you comparing us and putting me down, I can take anything nasty". You are hitting the nail on their heads; you are winning with modesty, tolerance and wisdom, and awakening them the impotence of modesty, and the disadvantage for showing off.
"Be smart, you idiot", "Be quick, you are wasting my time", "Don't interrupt when I am talking", "Watch where you are going, you jerk", "Get moving, you son of a bitch". If your life, family, friends and neighborhood are full of impatience, you should start learning and teaching other people the importance of patience. Smoking, drinking and drugs have bad consequences to our health and emotion; they will make us nervous, impatient, blur, violent and lower our ability in self-control.
Try listening to New Age music, the sound of nature can bring you relaxation, reflection, and improvement in patience and self-control. Try practicing Yoga, Tai Chi or simple meditation, trying sitting in perfectly still position, and seeing how long you can keep your body motionless. With the improvement in time, your patience, tolerance and self-control can also be improved.
Always remind other people with their impatience; tell them to do the same when your patience is poor. Try to speak gently and softly, if someone's impatience can affect your patience, your patience can also affect his or her impatience. Try to gain the initiative to lead others to better patience and life.
If a guy has impotence, premature ejaculation or micro-soft, try to say something nice like, "That's ok", "Don't worry, take your time", "We can try something else instead". Appropriate encouragement and support may help his situation and release his tension, even if the impotence can not be healed, you two can still try other methods to resume the pleasure.
If someone says "I hate you", and you say "I hate you too" in return, then you are really adding fuel to the fire, then do you think saying "I love you" can extinguish the fire? If you want miracle, you should swim against the tide, and don't take a leaf out of the hornet's book. You should move closer if someone tells you to get out of his or her sight. Say, "You are wonderful" if someone says, "You are terrible". Say, "You are a sweetheart" if someone says, "You are an asshole". These are also rebellion, but rebel in a smart and winning way. If you can turn a crying face to a happy face, your emotion, future life and human intercourse will also benefit from these.
Another thing we should do to lift our relationship is to praise each other. I guess a lot of couples haven't done this for a period of time after a lot of arguments, mutual criticism and attack. With disappointment about denying promises, lying, hiding from responsibilities and poor temper, almost everyone around has nothing left to praise for? You are afraid this type of flattering behavior will make someone to be swollen with arrogance and lose your future grip.
Anger and hate will block our judgement and rational analysis between merits and demerits, pride will deceive our eyes in recognition of others' achievement and sacrifice, self-center will make us stubborn and rebellious, then merits will all become demerits with our hearts souring.
Adoration is one efficient way to pour oil on troubled water and mend your fences. Do you remember the sweetness and romance of praising each other at the beginning of dating? Do you know your loving relationship is built on mutual support and encouragement? If you want to lift your relationship, you need to start rectifying the above four major human errors as well as start praising for each other.
Start praising for what he or she had sacrificed for you, his or her personal merits, and recent and past achievement and performances. Explain the importance of mutual adoration, and the necessity of forgiving and forgetting the past to improve your relationship.
I have been teaching these methods to many couples and successfully saved their marriages or relationships. With all the different point of views and winning methods, and pointing directly to their problems, hearts and demerits, a small percentage of people with real bad temper don't feel quite comfortable for being all wrong, and try to defense the necessity of their bad temper. They think I am conceited, overconfident, overbearing, interfering and trying to control everything. Actually my enlightenment came from the people around me, came from their anger, humiliation, slander and stubbornness. Therefore everyone is my teacher, every living thing no matter good or bad, large or small, all has infinite amount of intelligence and theories hiding within, waiting for us to explore and enlighten.
Therefore I told these people, "If anyone doesn't want to use my methods, then I can use your method and be a devil, using what you folks have been using to defend for yourself. Using bad temper, self-center and rebellious to fight against your blames, to let you folks fully enjoy the beauty of poor temper. Therefore, do you want me to use your way on you? Or you want to use my way on me?" If necessary, I don't mind to be a devil, because only the biggest devil can take charge of those little evil hearts.
This is not only a way of expression, this is also a winning method, when you can not approach positively, then you should try to approach negatively, to try the other way around. Push them further down, tell them what kind of terrifying results, their bad temper, selfishness, self-center and impatience can lead to. Teach them how to push someone from control to lose control, tell them saying or doing what will drive someone crazy, to do something fatal and regretful, keep on saying all the bad consequences until their conscience are awakened.
One of my friends isn't quite comfortable about me winning all the time. So I told him, "I don't mind for you to win, you can lead me if you are smarter than me. If I can't think of something smart, I will start using the old way, to start yelling and pounding on you, just like everyone else, you will certainly not enjoy me being like that. So, you wouldn't want me to lose, you want me to win with wisdom and smart ways, and be your teacher and a winner always".
When I was living in Canada, a Canadian came to me and said, "I hate Chinese, you guys should all go back to your own countries, this is not your place". And I replied, "You are so right, I am totally agreed with you, this is truly not our country. We really shouldn't bring all our money and invest in here; we should bring our billion-dollar investment back to where we came from, to benefit our hometown economy and employment. Canadian are famous for their kindness, sincerity, and enthusiasm to help others, but really not too many guys think and act like you. You are the black sheep of the Canadian family, and enemy of the Canadian, because you are ruining their reputation. You are really our benefactor, I suggest you should keep on doing this, intimidating all of the foreigners to move back to their own countries, to weaken the Canadian economy, and to make our hometown economy growing stronger and stronger, better and better".
If he follows what I said, to intimidating every Asian back to their own countries with all of their money, all Asian countries will benefit from this. Therefore his prejudice is actually helping us and making me a winner. If he enlightens from this and stops discrimination, he is also making me a winner. Therefore, no matter which way he goes he just can not slip through my fingers.
This is the year for innovation, we are breaking new ground everyday in technology, politic and thinking. In human intercourse and communication, there are a lot of grounds we can break; there are a lot of fields we can improve, and a lot of marriages we can work their way out. If disappointment and giving up has been in your mind circling around, now you should replace them with enlightenment and conceit.
I always tell people to correct me. I always say everyone is my teacher. I always say something nice to everyone, like, "Don't worry, things will be ok", "Be happy, give me a cheer", "Take it easy, you are adding wrinkles to your face", and "Give me a big smile, which will make you young again". I am always encouraging and being supportive. If these kind of attitude will leave you a good impression, then it is time to stop showing off and putting other people down, and start using modesty, moderation, and encouragement to look for better world and better relationship.
I always tell people they are nice, they have good personality and generous. Sometimes they will say I am flattering and not quite exactly right, then I will say, "Are you sure I am wrong, I am sure you guys know how to be nice and generous, I have confidence about you guys. Do you really want me to guess wrong? Or you want to do something to prove that I am right?"
I only care how other people feel. If someone doesn't like me at the first glance, no matter how nasty they say or do against me, I will use my sincerity, patience, wisdom and sense of humor to touch their hearts. If I fail, I will use a different method, or a different joke, successively until I win their friendship.
With these, my life is full of joy, friendship and miracles. I am helping everyone to improve, and everyone is helping me to improve, we are supplementing and complementing each other. Nothing ventured nothing gained, if you don't try any of these methods, you won't know you can build your own road to Rome. But you know Rome wasn't built in one night, you have to take it step by step, little by little, heart by heart, move heaven and earth to form your own dreamland.