Rules are necessary to maintain a pleasant and happy relationship, but if rules are made with selfishness, bias, ego and overbearing, and full of injustice and enforcement, then rules may become destructive rather than constructive. For example, you have to give me all your income; I will be in charge of your finances. You have to do all the cleaning alone before bed. You have to report your location every half an hour. You have to take my orders in front of my friends. How many of you are living under biased and unreasonable rules, being helpless and depressed? How much longer can you oppose?
Other difficulties in making applicable rules come from the contradiction of different recognizable standard of social phenomenon, habits and human nature between male and female, masculinity and femininity. For example, is it ok to leave our jacket on the couch? Can we hang it up a bit later? Is it ok to wash the dishes later? Is it ok to wear wrinkle shirt? Should we take it easy or take it hard? How many male or female will agree or disagree with the above questions? How many times are we arguing small problems like these? Are we both losing our patience in advice or taking advice?
We always argue with excessive points of view, both sides seem to have their reasons and supporters from their own sex to bolster their views and action, both sides want to stick to their guns and will not make any concessions. Therefore, we need to strike a happy medium, to make rules to please both sides.
Successful rules need to be fair and unbiased, and have regulations or points to balance and please both sides. We all have a lot of demerits and bad habits, if you want someone to correct one of their demerits or bad habits, you have to let them pick one of yours to correct in return. For example, if you are always nagging or shouting someone with impatience to pick up their clothes, the other party can then insist you to have patience and ask politely. Then you two can both benefit from attitude improving and house cleaning.
Money is also a good source to reward someone for obedience, or fine someone for disobedience. If money is adequate, you can reward him or her each time for doing something right. Like giving them $10 for hanging all their clothes every day, if they fail to do so, you can take back $15. If money is inadequate, you can ask he or she to first give you $300, and give them back $10 each day for doing it correctly. At the end of the month, if they can get back all $300, you can give them an extra reward of $20 - $50 for encouragement.
Our different standard in accepting different contrary, behavior, habits and personality are also key factors in happy relationship and marriage. For example, if you are confronting people for picking noses, but having a hard time stopping them anywhere anytime due to rebellious nature, you can try to lower your standard, and allow them to do it at home or out of public, and clean it thoroughly with tissue or water afterward. If severe rules can not win obedience and respect for you, giving proper freedom and respect can turn the tide and regain the mutual respect and strengthen our weakening relationship.
For ending a cold war requires to have different attitude and point of views to look at the whole problem. The reason why couples take so long to reconcile is because they are struggling about right or wrong, and who should apologize first. But apologizing is sometimes considered losing face and dignity, and may lose the right to command and sovereignty in the future intercourse.
Therefore, we need to look at the whole thing in a totally different angle and point of view, to apologize first means you are more mature, responsible and caring. How often will you hear the childish side to take the initiative to apologize first? You should even take all the blames, tell the other side the mature side has no concern about admitting mistakes, taking all the blames and responsibilities. You just want to make him or her happy, to end the crisis and argument as soon as possible, to improve the mutual love and relationship. Then you will be leading him or her to self-introspection and growing up, to admit part or all of the responsibilities and mistakes, to mutual non-aggression, and mutual respect for integrity and sovereignty.
Logically speaking, we should accept everyone to have his or her own point of views and different opinions, unless you only want flatterers or liars around you. Therefore, having different opinions doesn't really mean disrespect; it is just a sign of honesty and sincerity.
A lot of our arguments starts from different opinions, unrelated trivial matters or household affairs, and is totally worthless and time consuming to arguing and winning your points. This is already a good reason to stop any of these arguments, you don't need to win your points on something worthless, you want to win his or her love, you want to win a good relationship or everlasting marriage. You want him or her to love you more and more with less and less argument, you don't want him or her to love you less and less with more and more argument. Therefore, the earlier you bring out this theory, the earlier you can stop your argument. Ask them to use the same method on you when you start arguing about something worthless or irrational.
The best way to handle tales and rumors is to have our mouths sealed and not respond, or just simply reply, "Really?" "Oh, I don't have any comments", etc. One careless response may spread the tales or rumors wider and wider, and you may fall into the trap and be the next victim. Another way to solve the crisis is to praise the victim, telling the gossipers you don't mind about the criticism or it is not a big deal for someone to make mistakes, and we should show our generosity in forgiving instead of blaming.
Correct praising can sometimes reverse the straits, the following example can give you a good example for praising correctly:
The mother is always complaining in front of the kids about their father making so little money and being so incompetent, and trying to incite the kids against their father. But the father hasn't denied all the blames, but instead admits all of his incompetence and even praising for her competence. One side is trying to isolate their kids from the father, the other side is trying to return good for evil, if you are the kids, if you have the sense of righteousness, which side will you be supporting? If the kids tell their mom about the praise and generosity of their father, do you think she will get touched and change her attitude toward her husband?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, if you are revenging with what she has done to you; then, you are really following her poor conducts and learning her mistakes. I really wouldn't call this rebellion, because you are doing exactly what the others are doing. To be truly rebellious, you need to reverse everything, if she is bad, then you should be nice; if she is revenging, then you should be forgiving; if she is criticizing, then you should be praising, if she is creating disaster, then you should be making miracle.
If you really have problems and difficulties in your marriage, look for the correct person who can really help, you don't need anyone who will further provoke your other half with their one-side biased views. A lot of people are trying to pour water to extinguish the fire, but may accidentally pour oil to make the fire burning even stronger.
These theories can make people understand what true love and care is all about. Then, nightmare can turn into sweet dream, stress can turn into relaxation, hell can turn into heaven, and crying eyes can turn into smiling faces. If you have big decision to make or problems can not solve, drop me a note, and see if I can help.